 Correction of a Company Presentation
Before:
"...The main objective of Capital Consultants is to assist in obtaining capital for projects which require guarantees required by traditional banking sources, and for this service, a processing fee is charged. These projects may be a new start-up company, an established company requiring expansion capital in a third world economy, an infrastructure development requiring long term capital, or real estate. Although these projects may not be easily financed through conventional banking institutions, project shareholders would be expected to possess good credit and banking connections.."
Analysis:
- "obtaining": one generally "raises" capital. The issue here is word collocation
- sentences are convoluted
- "is charged": innapropriate for use in advertising materials; it has a negative connotation. "Attract" has the same meaning. It conjures up
thoughts of something attractive and therefore sounds more positive
- "may not be": sounds unclear
- "development": changed to "development project", in order to clarify its meaning
After:
"...Capital Consultants' main objective is to assist in raising capital for projects that require guarantees from traditional banks. This service attracts a processing fee. Such projects could include new start-up companies, established companies requiring expansion capital in a third-world economy, an infrastructure development project requiring long-term capital, or real estate agents and developers. Although it may be difficult to finance these projects through conventional banking institutions, project shareholders would be expected to have good credit-ratings and banking connections.
. "
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